For the past few weeks I have been talking to various friends and family about understanding their why. I have been reminded why community is important as well as conversation. In speaking with others about knowing their why I was able to remind myself of my why. Recently I have decided to stop fighting with the Lord and allow Him to truly do a work in me. Those who have known me since my adolescent years know that I have been and still can be meaner than a junk yard dog on a four foot choke chain. Anyone who has been around someone who chooses to be miserable understand that it is exhausting dealing with people like that. Nothing you can say or do will ever be good enough to make the other person happy or satisfied. Miserable people are just that. Miserable.

So when I decided to let God who a work within me it was after a conversation that Him and I had. I had just discover my spiritual gifts and I read as much as I could about the people that came before me to include those in the Bible that had the same gifting and used it for the glory of God. I wanted to be like those people, the Lord dealt with me by letting me know that I could not make an impact on people in a good way if I chose to treat people poorly. Nor could I represent Him and all that He stood for with the greatest representation being love if I chose not to love His people, including myself. That last part was like a punch in the throat. It literally left me speechless.

So I chose to become a better person so that I may represent my Heavenly Father in an appropriate manner. I have been on this journey for almost a year now. It has been a hard one. The first thing that had to go was my harden heart. God had to remind me on multiple occasions that it was okay to be emotional and that I needed to feel, just to be careful not to be ruled by emotions. It is one of the ways that He communicates to me. Through this I have sense His love, His sorrow and His dislike for things that go against His all that He stands for. And although it was only towards a situation or an individual at times, it was enough. I often think about how God does it. How does He feel so intensely about all of His creation? As a mother of six completely different personalities and having to love each one in their own way is work enough. And here God is doing that very same thing for all of mankind, even those who choose not to love Him back.

Somewhere along this recent journey I begin to tell people that I decided to become a better person so that I could be a better mother, wife and friend. Yes, miserable people have friends. I was the friend that always “told it like it was”. Someone you can trust not to lie to you. It was during these recent conversations that I realize that I had forgotten my true “why” and that is why I was having such a hard time staying the course. I had gotten it in my mind that I was doing it for myself and others. But that was not the case at all. When I started this journey my why was so that I could please God. And although I fall short more often than I would like to admit I know that He still loves me unconditionally and there is no trying too hard for God.

I could disappoint Him and He would never beat me down with my mistakes. He would not throw it in my face to remind me that I messed up. In fact, His word states that “He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities. For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us” (Psalms‬ ‭103:10-12‬ ‭NKJV)‬‬. His grace is what prompts us to repent. ‬‬

I am grateful for the conversations that help remind me of my why. I have found that God spoke through them and have renewed my faith and my strength. I am reminded that without Him I can do nothing. As we can see I because weary and exhausted believing I was doing it for other people. Not that I was trying to please them or make them happy just that I wanted them to notice the change. Those closest to us won’t really see it because they are so use to us being one way.

So if God has called you into something trust that He has also equipped you to see it through. If you lose sight as to why you are doing it, don’t’ be afraid to talk about it and above all pray about it.

“But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear” I Peter‬ ‭3:15‬ ‭NKJV‬‬.